His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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