My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
