Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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