He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
