I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
