look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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