the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
