We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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