I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
