you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
