The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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