apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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