i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
