some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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