Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
