In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
