I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need to align my fucking chakras
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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