you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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