I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Randomize
