apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
