You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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