Ambien. No doubt about it.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
