listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
