I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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