what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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