why didn't you poke me back
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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