I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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