i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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