I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
