He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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