yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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