overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
