woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Your cock deserves a montage
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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