hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
