I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
