I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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