get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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