I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
