Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
