dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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