I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
