So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
