I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
