Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
