Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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