i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
how drunk are you?
Several
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
