life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
bring money and cleavage
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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