You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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