I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
