Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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