She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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