I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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